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The Girlfriend with a Lama |
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Age: 39
Place of residence: Taos, New Mexico Main role: Girlfriend in a committed relationship Main occupation: Program coordinator Buddhist history: Took refuge in 1985. Spiritual Program Coordinator at Land of Medicine Buddha, California (1992 - 1999). Main Buddhist lesson: Guru yoga (Union with the spiritual teacher) |
I have always felt conflicted about the role of (a romantic) relationship in my spiritual path. Ten years ago, I made the decision to live my life under the guidance of my teacher, Lama Zopa Rinpoche. As such, (a romantic) relationship has always come second to following (the Lama's) advice. It is extremely difficult, especially for a man, to know that his wishes come second to another man's wishes – even if he is an enlightened one! Because of my commitment, when it comes to the bigger decisions of life, I have made no concessions, and my partner Peter has been the one to make drastic changes in his life plans to support me. Communication and karma seem to be key. Early in our relationship, Peter and I read a self-help couple's book that made reference to telling the "microscopic truth" – those little things that we think, but don't share out of fear of how we might appear or hurting our partner's feelings. We worked hard to do this and it has helped to develop a level of trust that is exceptional. Our ability to have harmonious communication is also dependent on having good couple's karma – a result of avoiding sexual misconduct and divisive speech in the past. So, if things just aren't working out, no matter how hard I try, I remember that this entire scenario is being forced on me by karma – my past actions coming at me in living color. A few years back, I was in a verbally abusive relationship. This was definitely the result of past negative actions, specifically sexual misconduct and harsh speech. That situation was a catalyst for me to "clean up my act," so I would never have to go through that again. In the same way, I try to remember when things are going well (with Peter) – that this is also a (karmic) result, and be happy for a job well done! My contribution to the relationship is one of perspective, while my partner's contribution is practical. I offer different points of view and know how everybody is feeling. He takes care of the car, the firewood, the plane tickets, packing the suitcases. In this respect, I think the world is upside down right now. Really, the women should be in the positions of power and leadership, because of their tendency to ponder, process, envisage. The men can follow-up with effective action that brings the thing into reality. An individual's journey to enlightenment is highly personal. Sometimes what one needs to do is not compatible with what our beloved needs, or wants us to do. I think the mark of "true love" is that each of the couple is happiest when the other member is pursuing their greatest happiness – or enlightenment – and is supporting them to do that – materially, emotionally, and from the depth of their heart.
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