January-February 2000

William and I have a very egalitarian relationship, so we took turns going to teachings and retreats. We organized the first visit of Lama Yeshe and Lama Zopa Rinpoche to New Zealand just before our first child Damian (now a monk, Lozang Chodzin) was born. Damian got the Heruka Vajrasattva initiation in the womb from Lama Yeshe at that course. Lama was very serious about it. Joseph was born just after Lama Yeshe’s last visit to New Zealand. He got the Vajradhara initiation from Lama in the womb.

I was attracted to the nyung nä practice when I read that Rinpoche was doing a retreat at Lawudo. So I started doing one a week while the kids were at school. They were very good on the silence days and used to obey my sign language; maybe it was a relief for them not to hear my nagging voice! After I did about 48, I decided to do nyung näs every day for five and half months to complete 110. William did a one-year retreat which was very hard on me, but I don’t think the boys minded, as they were quite young. William always got up to meditate before the boys woke up. I would fit it in during the day while they took naps or were at school.

William became a Kagyüpa and was one of the founders of the Kagyü retreat center. He occasionally does four-month retreats there. I preferred to go to Australia or the States if Lama or Rinpoche was teaching or leading a retreat, leaving the boys in William’s good care.

The boys must have had a strong previous connection to Dharma to be born into a Buddhist home. There are Buddhist pictures on every wall except the toilet. As I was home with the boys, from babyhood, while William worked, I would show them pictures of deities and gurus and every time a lama came to New Zealand we would get an audience with the kids. But the boys were easy children and liked mantras. On the way to school we would chant Milarepa mantra or Tara or Chenrezig to tunes like “Bingo.” And they loved it. Joseph told me that before a test he would say every mantra he knew and then he wouldn’t worry about the result. They were raised vegetarian but allowed to eat meat when they were teenagers. Both have returned to being vegetarians.

Mostly they learned by example, watching how we saved insects and worms; they would get their friends in school to do the same.

Damian was always interested in teachings and at courses he would sit more still than the adults and be able to discuss what was said even from the age of six. When Joseph was four he got mad at something. Then he opened the window, slammed it shut and told me he “threw the self-cherishing demon out!” (It came back quite soon!)

We didn’t have TV until they were about nine, so we read to them a lot. I think they developed their concentration and visualization through our reading books to them like the C. S. Lewis series of Narnia. In high school William would have deep and meaningful adult conversations with them, which they enjoyed so much. Mostly it was about emptiness and compassion; he would often say, “Only kindness counts.”

Both experimented with drugs and alcohol. Damian rolled his car when he was drunk, but miraculously was uninjured. I guess it didn’t shock me because I had done some dangerous, ignorant things in my youth. But I did worry about them.

When Damian finished high school at 17, I suggested he go do the Kopan course. This put him back on track. He became more interested in Dharma than anything else and after doing another Kopan course and teachings at Bodhgaya he decided to become a monk at age 19 (he’s 25 now). He lives at Chenrezig Institute in Queensland, Australia taking teachings from Geshe Tashi Tsering, studying and meditating in his hut.

Joseph decided to do the Kopan course and Bodhgaya teachings when he was 20 and has done two four-month retreats. He’s going to His Holiness the Dalai Lama’s teachings in Bodhgaya with us in December and then wants to do the Yangsi Rinpoche course in Dharamsala. He’s 22 now.

We are a very close family, honest and playful; we hug each other a lot. We have been criticized by both our parents for not making the boys get a university education. But we think Dharma education is more important and they can always learn a trade when it interests them. Both have worked with William building houses and stupas and both can fix a car, sew and do basic computing – all important life skills. We are very happy that they are both so committed to Dharma.

I’m glad one of us was home while the boys were young; we think the first years of their lives are the most important to lay good foundations. I started nursing when they were in high school so William had more of an influence in their lives then. Having him as a role model was especially fortunate.