Edited excerpts from The Tibetan Art of Parenting – From Before Conception Through Early Childhood, by Anne Hubbell Maiden and Edie Farwell. Published in 1997 by Wisdom Publications, Boston, USA.

The Buddhist view of birth is spacious. It encompasses vast cycles of death, bardo (the state between death and rebirth), and rebirth. The experience of bardo is a result of the life experiences and actions, or karma, of the being who enters it. It can be quite frightening or seductively pleasant.

One who has recently died is in the bardo with the major task of searching for the right conditions for the next rebirth. A being actually sees various couples having intercourse and is karmically attracted to specific parents by their special energetic qualities. So depending on the predominant quality – love, lust, tenderness, violence, drunkenness, or the like – the being will be drawn to a particular couple according to their energetic state. [According to Dr. Lobsang Rapgay,] “When an intermediate being comes into a body, it experiences various sensations, depending on karma and the effects of actions committed in past lives. If a being has good karma it is an incredibly pleasant experience, like going into a beautiful house and hearing peaceful and pleasant sounds. If one’s karma is not so good, it is unpleasant: one hears lots of clamorous noises and experiences uncomfortable sensations and foul smells. One may have a sense of entering a marsh, a dark forest, a small hole in the ground, or a dark care from which there is no escape. The sensations depend on one’s own state during conception, the qualities of the parents, and one’s karma.”

The exact moment of conception may not be explicitly known. Dr. Lobsang Drolma said that often a couple will feel more bliss than usual, thereby knowing they have conceived.

The Tibetan Art of Parenting

Dr. Rapgay indicates that when the wandering consciousness enters the womb, the trauma of coming into physical existence represses the memory of all past experiences. With conception, the child forgets for a time its last life, earlier experiences, and previous traumas. Later during gestation and at birth, consciousness comes alive again. The environment of the womb, resulting from choices the mother makes, also influences the consciousness of the embryo.

Ideally, male and female energies come into balance in a warm, compassionate, loving, tranquil environment in a gentle way, with mindfulness. It is important that the mind-body not be split, neither the mind engaged in fantasies nor the body engaged in aggressiveness. The quality of compassion and kindness needs to permeate the mind-body to create a good environment for the child to enter. When the egg is fertilized, the mindstream enters into the egg, which becomes a sentient being at the time of conception.

The Tibetan Art of Parenting

[A woman called] Lhamo asserted that when she was at Bodhgaya (in India),the sacred place where the Buddha attained enlightenment and where she had gone on a pilgrimage to purify herself for conception, she became aware of many intermediate beings who had died and were now looking for a place to be reborn. “My friend said I should pray and ask for a special baby. But I didn’t ask for any baby in particular. I felt that many people had died for different reasons and that whoever is praying to be born again in a better life could come and be born through me. So she is the lucky one,” Lhamo joked, patting her large belly.

Green Tara ceremonies are often performed for those who wish to conceive. Green Tara is the meditational deity of compassionate action. She is also regarded as the mother of all Buddhas, and as such is considered especially responsive to those preparing to conceive.

The Tibetan Art of Parenting

Lhamo said she had been trying to conceive for over a year and felt that she did not become pregnant earlier because she and her husband were not fully prepared or the time was not yet right. However, she felt that in the two weeks she had devoted to purifying herself at Bodhgaya, she had prepared, both physically and spiritually, to conceive and receive one particular human consciousness, who was waiting in the bardo state.

[According to Tibetan monk Gyatso,] “There are many millions of lives, and each recording for the next life is saved in a different part of the stream of consciousness. Certain parts of the recording indicate good rebirth, certain parts indicate less fortunate rebirth. Even if I have all good recordings, and I suddenly do something very, very bad, my record in the negative will increase immediately. My next rebirth could become the very worst.

At conception, when the mother’s egg joins with the father’s sperm, there are as many minds as all the beings on this planet trying to get into the womb. One’s karmic disposition influences them to enter the womb or not. And only one – or two for twins, or more for multiple births – has the karma that draws them to that particular mother and father.

“Buddha said that at each union of a mother and father, there are many sentient beings, as many as all the blades of grass on the planet, trying to get into that life. Luck has nothing to do with it. It is merit and karma that determine which sentient being is drawn into that womb to start a new life. The rest have to seek rebirth somewhere else.

“There are many factors that determine which beings go to which parents. Perhaps a being will not enter one particular womb because these parents are going to produce a child who has a good life, and this being must go into another womb because he or she has the karmic predisposition to work through suffering in the next life. Suffering is part of this being’s record and heritage. Of course, you can suffer and still be a person with great merit.

Whether their entire life will be successful depends much upon the atmosphere young children feel throughout the day. In a family where there is love and compassion, the children will become happier and more successful human beings. Without love, there is a danger of spoiling or ruining their whole life. Human affection is thus most influential for children’s development.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama 
in The Path of Tranquility–Daily Meditations,

“Before [one child] was born some teachers told his father that he should marry a particular woman. ‘If you marry another, you will not get this child,’ they said to him, ‘But if you marry this woman you will produce a very special child.’ That is because the mother and that child are connected.”

Gyatso also elaborated on the spiritual preparation at the time of conception: “The environment at conception is very important, whether conception is accidental or purposeful. Prayers are very helpful. Meditation can be on love, compassion, or perhaps the nature of mind.

From a Buddhist way of seeing, the goodness of male and female union depends on its outcome. It is best to avoid anger, attachment, jealousy, delusions, and other impurities in the relationship. By itself, the union of a mother and father is considered neutral, though it can be positive or even very beneficial. When healthy compassion is present, the union can even contribute to realization of the mind. But copulation can also come prematurely, without readiness; it needs to be entered into with care so it does not have a negative outcome.”