January-February 2000

I have nine children. I was not prepared to be the mother of nine children. Nobody gives you a course in that. I was 25 when I had my first child and now I’m 46.

How do I help my children create merit – in other words, grow up well? It was very difficult when they were young, but as they get older it’s much easier to teach them. They easily understand that there are many people in this world because, since the beginning, they have had to help with the younger children and do chores at home. By the time they are 12 or 14 they have to help take care of their younger brothers and sisters, and the younger children are the most important. This is the theory, anyhow, but the practical application is much more difficult. It does stimulate the sense of responsibility and caring in the individuals – all of the children have developed more awareness of each other.

I’ve always tried to raise them in an open environment. I was already Buddhist when I began to have them, and I met Lama Yeshe and got into Dharma. The kids breathed that environment in.

They didn’t have to be Buddhist; I didn’t have to force them or push them, and I didn’t baptize any of them into anything. Normally in Spain all the people in my generation are Catholic, not because they want to be but because it is expected. It’s a cultural obligation to be Catholic.

The kids went to a Catholic school, and when they had religion class part of their assignment was to investigate the Buddhist religion. They were already familiar with Buddhism, considering they’ve visited Dharma centers since they were young. They’ve lived in very open environments, and at times we all lived in India.

They are growing up with all of this amazing exposure and it’s helped them stay centered in who they are – they haven’t lost themselves. Those who have gone to university retain what they’ve learned, and now that they are becoming adults they are capable of making their own decisions.

As for my own practice, it’s very hard to meditate with so many children. I remember something Lama Yeshe said. He was talking about the preliminary practices such as prostrations: my preliminary was to change diapers. I’ve changed thousands of diapers!

Also, with children you don’t think about yourself all the time because you literally have to think about other people. From the moment you wake up you don’t think about yourself; life pushes you in that way. I believe that is the practice.

When you have a family and you have to think about their education, food and money, and everything essential for them, I think the practice of Dharma can be more intense. You have things come up, you apply whatever wisdom you have, and you work it out. Even if you make mistakes, you grow; you feel better afterward.

I’m not an example of perfection. I have a strong personality. To discipline them I raise my voice a little. Sometimes I have to be firm. It’s not that they don’t want to learn or behave well, it’s more that they become interested in other things.

If I make a mistake I ask them for their pardon; I will apologize if I raise my voice too much. Because I’m the mother I’m put in the position of being the teacher and sometimes it’s difficult. The force of life, or karma, puts you in a position sometimes where the child doesn’t like you. You represent the discipline and it doesn’t always go smoothly. Sometimes it’s difficult.

But as they get older, satisfaction comes. This summer I had all my kids except the ones in India [Lama Osel and Kunkyen]. But I love to see the older ones because it’s been for a few years that they’ve lived far away. They’re studying and working, very responsible.

I think you give tons of your time, your energy, your mistakes, your good energy, your bad energy – everything you have, you give. And once in a while you get compensation because you see the kids have embodied some of what you’ve taught them. You can see they are understanding some of it. That’s the satisfaction.

For me, overall, it’s very important they assume universal responsibility, that they have some kind of a mission, and that they know and feel what their purpose is. It’s important that they know what they want to do.

The three oldest are in university; there are already three children in Madrid. My oldest will finish with his first job with a big company a year from now and of course will financially help his brothers and sisters continue with their studies.

Lama Yeshe saw my first children at my side. I didn’t want any more kids. When I first discovered Lama Yeshe I went with the kids, who were young: Armonia was 18 months and Jesse was one-and-a-half years old. It was three years since I met the Dharma and I was very high on it.

I wanted to go into retreat. I wanted that to be my career. I wanted to have realizations as quickly as possible. The children felt like a hindrance. I wanted to leave them with Paco or with my parents and go into retreat because it seemed very important. And so I told Lama Yeshe all of this, thinking that he would be very happy to hear this from me. He was playing with Armonia. He looked at me with round eyes like plates and said urgently, “Bodhichitta, bodhichitta with your children! Do you want to abandon them? If you want to practice, your children are your practice. You want a retreat? Your children are your retreat! You want to purify? This is your path of purification! Your children are everything.”

I have come to realize so much that the children have been my practice, that my practice has not been to leave all the responsibilities, but to transform it inside myself, to convert it into the path of practice.

This is what I try to tell Kunkyen: he thinks that the only worthy lifestyle is to be a monk, and that all of his brothers and sisters should be monks and nuns. I tell him, “Kunkyen, all of us have to develop our minds, and one can develop in whatever state we’re in – one can be a monk, or a father, a mother. One can develop one’s mind no matter where they are or what they’re doing.” This is important to see. I explain that it is not just in a monastery that one can develop one’s mind. “And anyhow,” I ask him, “Who practices more patience everyday – the monks in the monastery or the mother? The mother!”

Of course, if you can be a monk it is better, as then you don’t have the distractions of the family life, but this is right only if it’s your turn to live that sort of life. It wouldn’t be right for you to do anything else. This is what life has presented to you, I didn’t ask to be a mother but I created the causes and conditions and found myself being a mother, so I have to work with these conditions.