January-February 2000

Bloomington, Indiana – a beautiful mid-Western town in the middle of Indiana, home of the Hoosiers, and the chosen place for the 1999 Kalachakra initiation with His Holiness the Dalai Lama. For two weeks this small town was transformed by the presence of monks, nuns and thousands of Buddhists from all over the world in the restaurants, coffee houses and local venues. We were all there to take part in the initiation. The weather was perfect, not too hot, and the land was open with rolling green hills and cornfields.

As a parent wanting to attend the initiation there were many challenges. For the first two days I spent my time meeting other parents and asking how we could work around the security restrictions that made it almost impossible to bring our children. Children need food and water. Not to mention coloring books, crayons, playdough, small toys. The teachings were long and the children needed attention.

It was very easy to lapse into the “poor me” syndrome that sometimes haunts my mindstream when in situations that are not inclusive of children. I found myself thinking of all parents everywhere and dedicating the fruits of my merit to the well-being of all those who struggle with difficulties and challenges of parenthood. Working together with other parents from around the world, we managed with some difficulty to establish a family tent outside the main tent two days after the initiation began. We were very grateful and through that process formed a cooperative exchange of watching each other’s children and forming a strong fabric of support that allowed us to participate in the teachings.

I witnessed some parents with unwavering focus on His Holiness giving the bodhisattva vows through the video monitor with little ones jumping, screaming, crying and climbing on their backs. I found myself losing my temper with Emma and her little friends, “Mommy is taking vows, be quiet!” This was a very humbling moment, one that brought tears and a renewed commitment to truly practice so that Emma would grow to love the Dharma and not view the teachings as something separate from mommy. It was in the moment that I realized the preciousness of the teachings and how much work I needed to do to transform my mind.

As a parent I must make the time to practice. Emma watches everything. Her 3-year-old mind in this life is just forming. What are the images that I can give her? Images of His Holiness the Dalai Lama performing tantric ritual, images of the Kalachakra mandala, images of thousands of people coming together to share in the Dharma, images of deities, offerings, people smiling and prostrating. There are so many other images that compete for her attention.

I feel strongly that as a Buddhist parent I must provide for her the opportunity to experience events like the Kalachakra even though it is very challenging and difficult.  As a result of attending this event she breaks into spontaneous song and ritual play, says to her friends at preschool that “It’s good to be quiet,” makes playdough offerings, folds her little hands in prayer to the “Dalai Momma.”

After the Kalachakra I found myself once again motivated to address the needs of other parents in the Dharma. We can either feel marginalized or make changes within our centers and at major events when it is appropriate to have children. Children need to see their parents practice in the community.

A Dharma center or large event like the Kalachakra can accommodate families if the effort is made. A Dharma center should not be viewed as a center or place where mommy or daddy go while the child is in childcare or has a babysitter, but as a center or place that incorporates family practice. Those centers that have a strong community practice help introduce the children to the preciousness and gentleness of the Dharma. The strength of the parents can make changes possible. When parents are supported, the children are supported.

Tensions of spiritual aspirations and family responsibilities arise daily: to go to the Kalachakra despite tight budgets, to make time in the morning and evening for practice despite crying children, unpaid bills, unmade phone calls, unmade beds. I struggle with sleepiness, laziness and, at times, self-pity. “If only I didn’t have a family, then I could really practice.” Of course before my family I had other excuses. It’s my karma and my mind. Only I can change it. Only through practice is that possible.

My role as a mother has given me a depth of experience that strengthens my commitment to practice the Dharma. My love for Emma is an opportunity to investigate the nature of that love and the true nature of that which is called Emma. In order to open to the intensity of that love I must find the same intensity of wisdom, which can only come from continued practice.

Can I develop equanimity toward all beings with the same fullness I give toward Emma? Can I view challenges as an opportunity to cleanse karmic patterns? Can I continue to make the choice to practice and attend retreats regardless of the many obstacles I face as a parent? As parents together in the practice of Dharma we can help each other say yes to these questions for the benefit of all sentient beings.