By Kendall Magnussen

In April of 2005, I sent my teacher, Lama Zopa Rinpoche, a list of things I was considering to do next in my life. For the first time in a long time, “long retreat” was not on the list. I had started the tantric series at Diamond Mountain with Geshe Michael Roach and was excited to continue. However, Rinpoche advised that it came out best to enter long retreat of three, four or five years.

I had wanted to do a three-year retreat ever since hearing of it at Kopan in 1987. I had finished most all of the traditional nine Gelug preliminaries; some of them more than once, and a number of deity retreats. All of the conditions came together perfectly. Even though my family wasn’t thrilled, they were supportive. I left my job, ended my relationship of six years, gave away most of my possessions and with excitement and a bit of apprehension, by December 2005, I was in.

I asked a number of teachers and seasoned Dharma friends for advice. It was simple, “Relax.” Even back in 1996, Ribur Rinpoche had said to me, “When you do your long retreat, if you don’t relax, you are going to get very sick.” I had been quite a gonzo Buddhist for the last 25 years. If enlightenment was something you could “do” your way to, I was well on my way! It was enlightenment, or bust.

“Relax” was like a Zen koan to me in retreat. I had no idea how to “do” relax. I had many practice commitments and cooking, eating and cleanup took time. Aware of how I needed to purify negativities and accumulate merit – I did prostrations every morning and recited sutras every night. Then, there was yoga, Sanskrit, Tibetan. This was the first time in my life where I could do all of the wonderful things I wished I had more time for but didn’t. When did I have time to relax?

Early on, it became apparent that something was off with this body; my mind was always tired. However, I was not going to let that hold me back. While there was frustration about the fogginess of my mind, which I could not seem to remedy through rest, cleansing, diet, or other remedies, I was still very happy. My dreams were powerful and auspicious.

As time went on, I had dreams that I needed a vacation. I knew I was caught in a misconception about “doing” my way to enlightenment, but I couldn’t stop.

Finally, in the summer of 2007, I made one more dietary adjustment designed to heal the body on a deep level. Within three weeks, it was as if I had a nervous breakdown. I lost all muscle strength and the neurotransmitters in my brain went haywire, creating a buzzing sensation in my brain so strong that it was impossible to meditate. I lost memory and cognitive abilities, and would get weepy and emotional for no reason. It was a healing crisis the likes of which I had never seen or heard of. I was crashing hard.

For three months in isolation, I battled weakness, emotionality and brain buzz. The body felt like it had been hit by a truck and the mind as though I hadn’t slept for weeks. It was the Twilight Zone. I kept thinking it would pass. It didn’t. Finally, Rinopche told me to leave retreat and stay with my mother until I recovered. I thought I just had bad lung and would be back in a few months. That was September 2007.

Much rest, reflection, and a few doctors later, I understand a little about the perfect storm that brought things crashing down: body, mind, lung, hormones, viruses and the karma for some fantastic purification. While I had hoped for esoteric transformation into a light body, I have been forced to accept the limitations of my human form! While there are things I need to “do” for enlightenment, it now is clear that it is the “being” that must be cultivated. While it may be urgent to use life well, I need to be patient with the process. Now, to put that into practice! “Relax” is still my koan, even though I have not done much in over two years.

I felt that I knew much about the Dharma before entering into long retreat. These days, it is apparent that I know very little and have realized even less. I have needed to relax the self-imposed pressure to become enlightened in this life. I busted! Still, I have no regrets.

There are no final conclusions and I am still waiting for the body and mind to return to fully operational. I prayed for realization and transformation; something to be able to be of greater benefit to others. In many ways, I am still in retreat; disoriented and still cooking. If you are thinking about doing long retreat, go for it! Just know that deep transformation can come in the most unexpected of ways.