Wisdom #2 – 1984

Lori de Aratanha talked to American nun Thubten Angmo, not long before Lama Yeshe “locked her in” for her three-year retreat at Tushita, Dharamsala, last year.

There was something about a Western woman wanting to do a long retreat in the Himalayan mountains that aroused a lot of curiosity in me. I ‘d heard of Indian and Tibetan yogis doing the same thing; and come to think of it, even Jesus chose to “get away from it all.” But I never imagined that an American woman, who like myself grew up in an affluent California neighborhood, would want to lock herself up like that.

I had just finished a meditation course for beginners at Kopan Monastery, near Kathmandu, when I first met this Western woman, Thubten Angmo, so I had an elementary understanding of what Buddhists mean when they use the word “renunciation.” They teach that our existence, when analyzed, proves to be nothing but suffering, and when we look more deeply into this state of affairs we realize that the entire sorry mess is caused by our own state of mind. Even through the most elementary meditation one is made aware that the mind rarely rises above ignorance, selfishness and all kinds of projections. In order to be released from this we have to understand and change our minds.

Therefore, when Thubten Angmo told me she wanted to go into strict retreat for three years to be released from suffering, I understood what she meant. I remembered something that Lama Thubten Yeshe once said about retreats: “Retreat is a psychological method using skillful understanding-wisdom. It is not like modern psychologists‘ treatment of the schizophrenic mind, where they try to cure people with electric shocks or drugs, or pump great amounts of idealistic doctrine into them. You cannot change a person’s mind by force or external methods. More information causes even more confusion. The only way to bring about a fundamental change in a being‘s psyche is to make him discover the nature of his own mind.”

I was very curious about Angmo and wanted to know how she felt, what events led to her making such a decision and what were the main things that had inspired her. Anybody can say, “I want to be released from suffering,” as easily as they can say, “I want to quit biting my nails,” or “I want to go on a diet.” But actually to take action on the idea, walk through the fear, obstacles and hindrances, and reach the point where you’re behind that locked door takes a lot of courage.

When I asked Angmo what made her want to lock herself up for three years she said that her teacher, Lama Yeshe, had suggested that now would be a good time for her to be in solitude. For many years, since she went to her first meditation course in Kopan in 1973, she had known that doing a retreat like this was what she must do. Probably the greatest inspiration in her life has been Zina, Lama Yeshe’s first Western disciple. Zina had tired just about everything this world can offer: sex, drugs, alcohol; a round of film stars, famous people, fashion, travel; in short, all the things we normally think will make us happy. However, she was not happy, and at the time she met Lama Yeshe and his disciple Lama Thubten Zopa Rinpoche, she was traveling around India looking for spiritual guidance.

Both lamas are looked upon as highly realized beings of the Tibetan Mahayana Buddhist tradition. Lama Yeshe and Lama Zopa had been studying for many years in Tibetan monasteries when in 1959 they had to flee before the Chinese invasion. They came to India and continued their studies at a refugee camp. In 1967 they first met Zina and accepted her as their first Western disciple. The three of them went to Nepal and founded the monastery at Kopan, where over two thousand Westerners have since received teachings on Buddhist meditation and philosophy.

Angmo attributes much of her own opportunity to practice Dharma to Zina. It was because Zina requested teachings from the lamas that they first began teaching Westerners, and it was because of Zina’s great kindness, wanting other Westerners to benefit as much as she had, that she requested the lamas to give a meditation course.

Zina herself went off to the mountains north of Kathmandu to meditate, with retreat instructions from Lama Yeshe. After about a year of retreat Zina suddenly became very ill and was overcome with pain. She realized she was dying and despite the intense pain and her eight-year-old daughter, who had come to visit her, begging her not to die, she sat up and began meditating. Although the illness had made her very weak, she tried to maintain meditation posture, and remained in it for several hours before she died.

The fact that Zina was able to die like that, with such control gained through meditational retreat, gave Angmo treat inspiration and confidence. It showed her that meditation was not a “Tibetan trip,” that it had nothing to do with a specific culture.

Thubten Angmo grew up in Hollywood, California. Her “real” name is Feather Meston. Her mother, a model and actress, and her father, a writer for television and radio, divorced when she was five. Soon after that her mother became an alcoholic. Angmo remembers feeling dissatisfied at an early age. She missed family life, especially the company of her father.

The stabilizing force in Angmo’s life was her grandmother, who gave her the kind of protection and caring love that her mother wasn’t able to give. She speaks highly of her grandmother and claims that she was in many ways a renounced person. Because her grandmother had lived in China for 10 years, she was familiar with Eastern philosophy and would read Confucius and Lao-tse. She used to talk to Angmo about reincarnation and future lives. They would do yoga together and read books about love and wisdom. Angmo said she automatically believed in future lives and had strong respect for the masters her grandmother spoke about.

When in her early twenties, Angmo married an artist, Lawrence. They moved from place to place and eventually left America thinking that life there was mostly responsible for their feeling of dissatisfaction. However, living in Europe proved to be just as fruitless. They seemed to have everything they wanted: a son, a house in a beautiful coastal area, friends, money and a simple life that gave them freedom to paint and be creative. But still something was lacking.

Eventually they found their way to India. The first place they went was to Dharamsala; in fact the house they lived in then is just a ten-minute walk from where Angmo is now in retreat. On her second day Angmo knocked on the door of her American neighbor and said, “I’ve come to India to look for a holy man. Do you know anybody?” Her vision of a holy man was someone with a long beard sitting in a cave. She would sit at his feet and he would give her blessings and tell her what to do. The man at the door laughed and said, “Well, there’s the Dalai Lama, and you can’t get much holier than that!”

Soon after that Angmo heard about the teachings being given at the Library of Tibetan Works and Archives and began to study Buddhism there. She had found what she was looking for; she didn’t need to go any farther.

At this time Angmo realized that she needed to combine more practical experience with her studies of Buddhist philosophy. She had met Lama Yeshe and Lama Zopa Rinpoche in Dharamsala and heard about the Kopan courses that Lama Zopa had been giving for the past three years. This is where she needed to go to learn how to meditate. She found the course extremely powerful and recognized that the only way she could gain inner knowledge was through meditation.

Shortly after the course Angmo became a nun. Along with 10 other Western students she was ordained at Bodhgaya in India by His Holiness Ling Rinpoche. Upon taking ordination Angmo’s search for the right path ended. She had full confidence in her gurus. In this sense she was satisfied.

However, being a nun and having a guru didn’t solve all her problems automatically. There were still undercurrents of storm. She felt that the only way she could overcome her depression and agitation was by going into retreat as Zina had done. When Lama Yeshe finally told her that he thought it was time she did a long retreat in complete solitude, he stressed that she needed an environment conducive to concentration. “And to make sure that you’re definitely in solitude,” he concluded, “I’ll lock you in!”

With money inherited from her grandmother, who had recently passed away, Angmo was able to build a comfortable retreat house. Lama Yeshe’s idea was for her to have a house with ordinary Western comforts like hot water, a rooftop garden, and a modern kitchen. Angmo had been living very simply for the past 10 years, so felt strange, even guilty, about all the comfort. Lama Yeshe set her mind at ease when he said, “Ridiculous; you’re a California girl. You should be comfortable. If you’re comfortable and happy you can stay in retreat for a long time.”

During the months the meditation house was being built there were times Angmo felt like quitting, but so many kind people were helping her that she didn’t date. The last time we met was a few days before she began her retreat. She told me then she was glad she hadn’t quit. It certainly hadn’t been easy. She felt as though she was being pulled in 20,000 directions at once. Lama Yeshe told her this was because she was trying to do something positive and was therefore attracting some negative forces. Angmo said she felt that in some ways, situations and people were testing her. She feels that she has been able to pass through these difficulties because of her trust in her teachers. And, in fact, the difficulties have given her more strength and self-confidence.

Angmo also talked about her fears of both this life and death. She fears what would happen if she let her karma take its course, for she sees her mind is still tense and full of negative energies like anger, jealousy and insecurity. She has fear of dying without consciousness and awareness. Even when we are sick and suffering only slightly, we can barely meditate, our will-power is so weak. How will we be able to meditate at the time of death?

Angmo feels that transcending her fears in this life by practicing what Lama Yeshe and Lama Zopa have taught is the most powerful thing she can do to repay their kindness and be of help to others.