This interview is just one of the many that took place for “A New Generation of Buddhist Young Practitioners,” the cover feature of Mandala July-August 1998:

What was your life like growing up?

I was born into a Mexican family in Los Angeles. My life as a child was not much different from that of an average child. I made friends with kids on my block, went to school, played sports at the neighborhood park and played pranks on unsuspecting victims with my friends. I met a girl when I was 8 and another when I was 10. When I was 11 I got into gang life and became involved with a 17-year-old girl who became very special in my life. Eventually I started getting into lots of trouble at school and in the neighborhood, which led to me being sent to Juvenile Hall and a camp for juvenile delinquents for several months when I was 12-1/2. When I was 13-1/2 I was sent to the California Youth Authority (a youth prison) for three years.

I got out of the CYA when I was 16-1/2, and after only two months of being on the streets I was arrested on suspicion of being involved with a few gang-related attempted murders, for which I went to Juvenile Hall and was released for lack of evidence. But instead of releasing me to the streets, the court released me to my parole officer, as I was on parole.

Because any type of involvement with the police violated my parole, my parole officer decide to send me to a CYA reception center in order to give the police department more time to get evidence on some other gang-related attempted murders they believed I was involved in. After a few months the police officers of two different police departments came to visit me and told me they were taking me back to court for two other gang-related attempted murders. I went back to juvenile court where I was tried as an adult.

After several months of fighting the two cases in Superior Court, I was found guilty and sentenced to three consecutive life sentences, in CYA until I turned 18, then adult prison. I’ve been in prison ever since, and I am currently in the SHU (Security Housing Unit) of Pelican Bay State Prison in Northern California, where I’ve been housed for over two and a half years now.

What are some of the difficulties you faced when you were growing up?

I believe the main difficulty in my life was not understanding that my desire to be happy and make others happy, while feeling it was okay to hurt others when things didn’t go my way, was a contradiction. Also, not having someone to relate to and talk with about life and how to deal with problems. Most people seemed to be too caught up in their own problems, so I’d just do my best to make the right decisions and deal with different situations on my own, which caused me to have more problems and get into a lot of trouble at times. And when my bad decisions created even more problems or caused things not to go as planned, it would create confusion and anger in my mind. Instead of trying to think clearly and resolve things in a positive way I would just say, “Hell with it!” and find a way to hurt or do away with the people I felt were making things difficult.

What are some of the hardships you see young people in general facing?

I feel the general difficulty young people face is a lack of open and honest communication with their parents and family members. Also, they might not have someone whom they can relate to openly and honestly about things in their life, their problems, peer pressure, lack of self-understanding, lack of self-confidence and lack of self-love.

I really feel there is a need for young adults to tighten up the gaps that exist between them and teenagers and older adults and to start having more communication and understanding about the many different experiences they each go through. It seems like young adults, who have had a little experience of things in life, tend to get caught up in their own lives and leave teenagers to work out their own problems, while the teenagers are just waiting for the older adults to die off without trying to understand and learn about their experiences. This is really sad. Instead of understanding and helping each other and learning as much as we can from one another, we seem to become strangers. Doing our best to openly and honestly communicate with each other would be beneficial to all age groups and help us all deal with life with more compassion and wisdom.

How did you meet Buddhism?

Several months after I came to this security unit, an older friend of mine lent me a book about Zen Buddhism, written by a Japanese Samurai master. The book truly went straight to my heart and I enjoyed every minute of it. There were several things he said that opened my heart, but one that I will never forget is, “Man yearns for what is true on earth, for only by finding truth will he put an end to his restlessness and find within himself the foundation he seeks.” He said the foundation he was referring to is the buddha-nature that is the original nature of all living beings.

Another thing I felt was very interesting was a quote in the book by a Western scholar named Paul Reps. I can’t remember the exact words, but it went something like this: “Instead of being followers, Buddhist practitioners aspire to place themselves in the same responsive relationship with the universe as did the Buddha, and Jesus Christ, so that they may experience it firsthand. The Buddha said, “Look within, thou art the Buddha.” Jesus Christ said, “The kingdom of heaven is within you.” I felt that I had finally gotten a glimpse of truth for the very first time. After that, there was no holding me back – my heart deeply yearned to learn more about and truly discover this truth that the Japanese Samurai master described as the buddha-nature, the inborn, original nature of all living beings.

What attracted me to Buddhism was its down-to-earth feeling and how it discusses the human situation (life until death) in a logical and straightforward manner that is both fearless and compassionate. It doesn’t just talk about ideals, it also gives techniques and methods for developing and obtaining them.

The aspect I truly admire about the Dharma is that it encourages you to look reality fearlessly and fully in the face. Buddhism is definitely not about blind faith and cultism. It is about genuine leadership that fearlessly aspires to fully realize the ultimate reality of oneself and all that exists!

How has Buddhism helped you? Has it changed your mind?

Buddhism has definitely helped me to understand my mind and countless things about life. It has helped me to really think and feel with my heart in a balanced and honest way. It has taught me how to really be honest with myself and others with an open heart and mind. It has definitely softened and opened my heart!

I guess you can say instead of trying to be the countless faces I presented to myself and others all the time, the Dharma is helping me to honestly and authentically be myself and relate to the world with a genuinely open heart and mind, to love others and myself for who we authentically are. In that way, Buddhism has changed my heart and mind profoundly.

What is the most difficult thing about being in prison?

The most difficult things are not having physical contact or relation to people in the outside world and not being able to really help anyone in the outside world the way I would like to. I’ll give you two examples: One, I am unable, in person or in private, to receive Dharma teachings or initiations from any of my gurus, and I’m unable to communicate with them or with dear friends and loved ones. Two, if my mother is sick and dying and she requests my help or just to be there with her to comfort her heart, I am unable to do so.

What is your environment like?

I feel my conditions and environment are quite decent and peaceful compared to many other places I had to live – including on the streets! My immediate living quarters and environment is simply called a “pod” in official prison terms, due to its pod-like structure. It is one of six pods that surround one main control booth (where the prison officers watch and control everything), and is sort of like a mandala: the main control booth is like Mount Meru and the six pods are like continents surrounding it.

Each pod is separated from every other pod by a thick concrete wall and each pod comprises eight small cells, about 10 feet [3 meters] long, 8 feet [3.5 meters] wide and 10 feet [3 meters] high, four on the first tier and four on the second. There are two very small shower cells, one on each tier. There is one enclosed recreation yard, about 22 feet [6.5 meters] long, 17 feet [5 meters] wide and 22 feet [6.5 meters] high, with half the roof covered with white plastic and the other half with only a steel screen, which allows the rain to come through.

The yard is at the back end of the pod and the control booth at the front. The cells are separated from each other by block walls and the front of the cells have a sort of screen door and wall made from thick sheets of steel, which allows you to see through the front of the cell completely when the lights are on.

Because the pod is so small and enclosed, everything echoes loudly, and you can hear just about everything that goes on at all times. For example, if your neighbor snores at night, it sounds as if he is in the same cell with you. During the day when different people are talking to each other in their cells (there are two men per cell usually, but an inmate can choose to be by himself if he wants), different cells have their TVs turned up loud, and two guys are playing chess over the tier, yelling their moves to each other, it’s as if it’s all going on in your cell. So, if you are trying to meditate at such times, it’d be like trying to meditate in the middle of a rock concert! Good luck!

But, fortunately, it is not like that all the time or every day. Some days, like Sundays, things are more quiet because many inmates tend to sleep late after staying up for late night movies on Saturdays. And the mornings, from really early until 9 a.m., are usually more quiet, besides the low chatter of inmates in their cells and the low tone of their TVs

Back here isn’t as violent as the main line (the general population of prisoners) because we don’t have physical contact with anyone besides our cell mates and are escorted in cuffs by two or more officers everywhere we go. This particular Security Housing Unit was built to house the so-called most dangerous prisoners in the California prison system, so they don’t take any risks and give us very little freedom to do things while we are not in our cells. Other prisons are like Disneyland compared to this one!

Even though it isn’t as violent back here as on the main line, unfortunately there are killings, which is probably due to tension built up from being back here for some years. There are many different reasons why prisoners kill each other, but one silly reason I heard why a prisoner killed his cellmate was because his cellmate said something that got on his nerves right after they had been served pancakes for breakfast, which was the worst time to say something to get on his nerves because he hated getting pancakes for breakfast.

Another type of violence that occurs back here is when the control officer accidentally (or purposely) opens up the wrong cell door when there is an inmate on the tier coming back from the yard or shower or somewhere else, and the guy on the tier doesn’t get along with the guy or guys in the cell whose door was opened. If they’re enemies, they’ll be out for blood, even at the risk of being shot by a 9 millimeter or mini 14 rifle by an officer in the control booth.

Violence also occurs when an inmate refuses to let an officer put cuffs on him before they take him out of his cell in order to search it or whatever other reason they wish to go into his cell or take him out. If an inmate refuses to be cuffed up, they call a group of several officers called “the extraction team,” who are specially trained to deal with such situations, and they suit up with different protection clothes and gear – big, thick bullet-proof plastic shields and helmets, etc. – and spray the inmate’s cell with pepper spray or shoot him with a cylinder bock gun or sometimes both, or they forcibly drag him out. Other than this, things are quite peaceful around here.

What is your daily schedule like?

Breakfast is brought to us at 7 a.m., and they pick up the food trays and trash fifteen minutes later. Then an officer in a control booth calls and asks who wants to go to yard. The officer will let out one cell at a time for an hour and a half if showers aren’t being run on that day, and for an hour and fifteen minutes if showers are being run (showers are for fifteen minutes three times a week).

After yard we stay in our cells the rest of the day unless we get called for the law library or the doctors’ clinics, at which time they escort us to and from in handcuffs.

They bring dinner to us around 5 p.m. and pick up the trays and trash fifteen minutes later. The mail is passed out any time between 3 and 9 p.m. Outgoing mail is picked up between 8:30 and 9 p.m. Lights are turned out at 9 p.m. after they make their last count (I have a light in my cell that I can turn on).

Visits are in Saturdays and Sundays and national holidays for two hours behind a thick glass window and a phone on each side of the visiting booth.

As for my practices and studies: First thing in the morning I do prostrations to the Thirty-five Buddhas. After that I clean my room and wash up and then I do a Green Tara meditation with Twenty-one Praises to Tara combined with a lam-rim meditation.

I do my best to study a few chapters of Dharma books, combined with lam-rim meditations and mandala offerings, throughout the day. (It is impossible to keep a fixed schedule in here because the times and movements in the prison constantly change. For example, I could be in the middle of a meditation session and the control officer can rack open my cell door and tell me officers are here to escort me to the doctor’s office.) I try to do at least four or five meditation sessions altogether.

I’ve completed my preliminary practices of 200,000 prostrations to the Thirty-five Buddhas and 30,000 Vajrasattva mantras that the very kind Lama Zopa Rinpoche gave me to do. But I continue to do prostrations to the Thirty-five Buddhas first thing in the morning and last thing before I go to bed everyday, and I also continue to do Vajrasattva practice once or twice a day.

My studies are sort of set on a lam-rim format where I make sure to focus more time and attention on one specific topic than I do with other studies that day. For example, if on Monday the day’s topic is bodhichitta, that will be the topic for the morning meditation and I will spend more time on that topic than, say, karma or tantra, etc. The main topics alternate, but I make sure to study emptiness every day.

My day ends, before prostrations, with either Green Tara or Vajrasattva meditation and prayers.

I try to see all I do as Dharma practice: how I relate to others in my environment, keeping a pure motivation when I do things, maintaining my presence and awareness as much as possible in all I do, honestly and openly listening to and relating with the people in my environment, etc. I guess I would say I do my best to practice all the time, but if I’m honest it’s more like only several hours a day.

What is your favorite meditation topic?

My favorite subject to meditate on is impermanence and death, because it helps me set my daily priorities straight and be more mindful in all my activities, as well as relating to others with compassion.

Who do you like to pray to most?

I like praying to Lord Shakyamuni Buddha most.

Which lamas do you feel close to?

There are quite a few lamas I feel close to, but I’ll name a few whom I feel great admiration for and who have been a great inspiration: Lama Thubten Yeshe, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Chogyal Namkhai Norbu Rinpoche, Kyabje Kalu Rinpoche, His Holiness the Sixteenth Gyalwang Karmapa, His Eminence the Twelfth Tai Situ Rinpoche, Kyabje Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche, His Holiness Dudjom Rinpoche and Nyoshul Khenpo Rinpoche. These are contemporary lamas who have really inspired me with their teachings and are great living examples of truly embodying and enacting the Dharma.

When you think you might be in prison for the rest of your life, how does Buddhism help you deal with it?

Buddhism helps me see that being truly happy and freed from samsara and suffering depends on my own mind, not the outer environment. And it also helps me see that if I don’t gain the opportunity to help others in this life, I can do my best to develop on the path and make prayers to really do so in my next life.

What kind of advantage goes Buddhism give you in prison?

It is such an advantage. Such a locked-down environment as this, with very little communication with the outside world and little movement, has a very strong effect on the minds of many people after a few years back here. But being a Buddhist, the Dharma provides me with many methods to help me deal with any delusions or fantasies that arise in my mind and even use them to help me develop on the path.

The Dharma has helped me see my environment as a wonderful condition that gives me a lot of time and leisure to study and practice the Dharma that most of my Dharma brothers and sisters don’t have.

What aspect of Buddhism would you share with people who don’t know anything about it?

I don’t see myself as ever teaching the Dharma, but if I were to share it with people who had never heard it, I would talk to them about analytical meditation (self-analysis) and how to work with their mind and emotions, like the teachings Lama Yeshe gave in Be Your Own Therapist. I think that is excellent for newcomers to the Dharma, and it gives them something to work with immediately, to put into practice in their everyday lives.

If you could ask His Holiness the Dalai Lama one question, what would it be?

I’d love to ask His Holiness countless questions in person, but if I could ask only one I’d ask him what would be the best practice for me to do in order to fully realize the true nature of mind in my present condition, which would allow me to be of true benefit to others in this life and all my future lives.

Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for other young practitioners?

I don’t feel I’m in the position to give others advice, but I’d like to share two quotes by two very special lamas. The first is by His Holiness Dudjom Rinpoche: “Dharma is not fancy. It’s like blue jeans: good for every occasion, every day. It’s good for work, it’s good for school. You can wear blue jeans to a wedding, to ride a horse, any time.”

The second one is by His Holiness the Sixteenth Karmapa: “If you have one hundred percent dedication and confidence in the Dharma, every living situation can be part of spiritual practice. You can be living the practice instead of just doing it.”

I feel these two quotes can help young practitioners see they should do their best to use the compassion and wisdom they get from the Dharma in their relationships with boyfriends and girlfriends, spouses, families, school, jobs – in all they do.