By Elea Redel

Elea Redel lives in Lavaur, France and helps part-time at Institut Vajra Yogini in translation or reception work, depending on the needs, and the remainder of the time goes to India to receive teachings and do retreat. She suffers from rheumatoid arthritis.

I first developed arthritis in 1982, when I was retreating in Dharamsala. I felt strong pain in my arms and hands. I could not even carry my bucket of water as every movement became so painful. The pain increased so much that, thinking it was the humidity of the place, I went to Bodhgaya. Nevertheless, while I was there, one morning I woke up with all my joints swollen – I could not move without terrible pain. I wondered: What has happened to me?

Due to homeopathic medicine and walking around the stupa, as advised by Ling Rinpoche, the swelling diminished but the pain increased. Just to move the neck, wrist, arms, and feet was painful. You know when we are normal we take all these movements for granted, but in fact when joints are aching you notice how everything is interconnected.

I went back to France to get checked out in a hospital. The diagnosis was rheumatoid arthritis. I didn’t know what it meant. I shared a room with a crippled 45-year-old lady who had this same sickness. But this woman was not depressed – she was still playing the accordion with her crippled hands and people loved her. I could not believe my body would deform like that. Did I dream!

As I did not want to take heavy medicines I tried to find alternative ways. The first joint attacked was my right wrist, with my fingers and hands aching so much, and then it moved to swelling in the knees. For years I suffered from pain in the knees – it was so difficult to move. Different therapies gave some relief from the pain, but nothing stable, so finally I decided to have surgery. By now I have a prosthesis in each knee, which in fact enables me to walk without pain.

Then, if I remember well, the hands started to deform, then elbows, shoulders; and sometimes the neck would produce unbearable pain. Later on the ankles became stiff and the feet started to deform, which again made it painful and difficult to walk. Of course, during all that time I did physiotherapy a few times a week, including exercises in a hot swimming pool, etc.

By now almost all of my joints are deformed, which means many handicaps.

There was a time I could not even bring my cup of tea to my mouth. That’s all right now, but as my elbows are bent, my arms are too short to wash my feet or my hair and my distorted hands can’t manage to really wash my body. Many usual things that seem to easy to a normal person are difficult or even impossible to do. For example, opening a window, a jar, a bottle; turning a key in a door; climbing on a bus, getting down from a train, sitting on the floor, getting up if I fall down, walking on uneven terrain (which is quite usual in India), putting on my socks or sometimes even dressing. Even to carry one kilo of something brings pain for three or four days. So I have to have someone help me in many cases. In fact each ordinary move has become complicated and sometimes painful.

At some point the arthritis seemed stabilized, but in fact the progression is very subtle now, even though it has slowed down. Suddenly I notice I can’t do such-and-such movement anymore.

This sickness being an immune system imbalance means it is not yet curable by science. For my case, the pain is less strong now – I have almost no more severe crises, just occasional small ones – maybe due to the Tibetan medicine treatment? – but of course the handicap is there and can get worse.

The pain induced by this sickness is often unpredictable. I might feel okay and suddenly a strong pain appears in one of the joints, which is then quite handicapping for a few hours or days, and then it vanishes. It is due sometimes to a change in atmospheric pressure, a high degree of humidity, some toxins or also strong emotional moves.

These days I feel much stronger in health even though pain is coming and going all the time. One doesn’t die from such a sickness but may even live long with many hardships, so I have to develop a lot of patience.

I first became involved with Buddhism when I went to India. After several years of travel in Africa, I arrived in India, via Afghanistan, in November 1977 and headed up into the mountains to visit the villages. In Dharamsala, I was completely astonished to meet Tibetan refugees. Who were those smiling people who gave me such a warm-hearted feeling? I heard about the struggles they had gone through, and I was so amazed at their strength that I asked what their spiritual belief was. They told me they were Buddhist and the teachings came from Buddha Shakyamuni.

Due to this, one of my quests was to know what the Buddha taught. It took me a bit of time, and it was only when I arrived in Nepal that I went to a monastery and asked someone to tell me about Buddha’s teaching. I was introduced to a Rinpoche who spoke English, given a room and a book to read, and told he would answer my questions.

A few months later in Bodhgaya I met Lama Yeshe. That encounter changed my life. I saw that my plans to go to Indonesia and Australia had no more purpose. Now I knew I had to travel deeper within myself.

I don’t know if without Dharma I could have accepted such a situation without becoming really depressed. I guess life would have become meaningless with such suffering, which completely changed the course of what I thought my life could be.

Dharma has showed me that there is not just a crippled lady here but also the luminous nature of her mind, which is a gift that every sentient being is endowed with. Due to that awareness I feel something can be done. Because suffering confronts me with myself without leaving me any escape it also gives me the chance to go deeper into myself, to go for the essential thing and to open my heart to what “is.”

Of course it is not that easy.

This experience has made me understand the meaning of the law of cause and effect – karma – and how everything is dependently arising. It gives a meaning to my life, deeper than just what I see or think, and therefore has helped me not to put the load of responsibility on others. I have to accept responsibility for my own deeds: one creates the cause of one’s suffering and one’s own happiness. I need to open my mind to what I have done, right or wrong, and through understanding the function of the mind, to change my inner attitude, my behavior. This has helped me not to cling or to identify myself with the suffering. And what is important is not to add more for the future but learn from it in order to break the cycle. Not an easy task but quite an amazing dynamic.

Noting that I was not alone in such a situation, through opening to my suffering I could open also more to the suffering of other beings, feel compassion and lessen my pride. I could then follow Lama Zopa Rinpoche’s advice and use my pain by imagining taking the pain of other beings on myself and sending them whatever feeling of joy and positive thought I had in the form of medicine, affection or whatever they needed to relieve their pain and become strong. I often thought of people being tortured!

In such a way my pain did not become the focus of my day, of my life, and I realized how important it was to open my heart to both pleasure and pain, which are the aspects of human condition, and to others who are in the same boat. Unless I overcome ignorance there is no way out.

I noticed that I could deal more easily with physical pain than with the fact of my body being distorted, crippled. In Asia everybody looks at me, at my hands, my way of moving. Seeing a Westerner like that is amazing for them; they often question me – I am not exaggerating! In the West people avert their eyes! So, here “included,” there “excluded.” Now I feel able to deal with people’s reactions, but, believe me, it took quite a time. It is really tough to be confronted each moment with your handicap wherever you go or whatever you do, because you live with it. But inside yourself you feel like a normal person, you are not only that.

What seems important to me is to welcome suffering instead of rejecting it, face it with “smooth-ness” in order to find the space to deal with what it offers to me (for example, opening of heart, practicing of tonglen, patience, protecting karma, etc.). To develop compassion for others we need to develop compassion for ourselves, to let go and not to sink in self-pity.

I really feel the urge to open my heart to myself and to others in order to communicate with their humanity and with the world, with what “is,” in a sound way.

Over the 17 years of my sickness many people have helped me in different ways. Thanks to all of them. And, of course, Buddha’s teachings and my teachers.

You know, being a handicapped person means you need other people’s help more than occasionally, and for the rest of your life. Most of the time people are very kind, but sometimes, probably because of everyday life’s stress, their attitude can be very hurtful. This I also have to deal with even though I try my best to manage along as much as possible. In various ways sickness provides me with many opportunities to develop compassion, patience, humility and love.

I often think about Lama Zopa Rinpoche’s past life situation when he was unable to move for many years. I also heard, read stories and met people whose lives were entangled with physical sufferings but who developed such a nice spirit, so much courage, faith, love and openness. I really admire them deeply and rejoice in such qualities of human beings. It also enhances my faith.