THE MONK AND NUNS OF FPMT

Ven. Thubten Khadro, also known at Ven. Emily, is a member of the FPMT center Jinsiu Farlin in Taipei, Taiwan, and has lived there since becoming a nun. She was manager of Jinsiu Farlin for more than a year, and has led some programs for Heruka Center in Kaohsiung and Shakyamuni Center in Taichung. She has also worked for Maitreya Project Taiwan. In 1998 Ven. Emily took the vows of a fully ordained nun and did the rains retreat in central Taiwan. She spoke with Mandala at the recent Vajrasattva retreat at Land of Medicine Buddha in California.

When I was in the 1st or 2nd grade of elementary school (about 7-8 years old), the grandmother and mother of my classmate Lin Mei-Jiun were devoted Buddhists; they had a meditation room set up at home. When I went to her home, together with her mother we recited Buddha’s name, did walking and sitting meditation. I could sit in vajra position then! However, I didn’t know much about Buddhism, just had a vague idea about the Pure Land of Joy, Sukhavati.

Then, during the summer vacation in my third year at college, in 1988 at the age of 19, I went to a monastery to listen to an audio teaching about lam-rim recorded by Ven. Rze-Tsan. Later on, when the tapes were published, I bought the whole volume to learn the lam-rim during my extracurricular time. However, since I was preparing for the qualification of national officer, I did not learn well at that time. After my graduation from college, that same year, I listened to all of the tapes  160 of them.

In 1991, Ven. Rze-Tsan was teaching lay vows at Hua-Trang Buddhist Center. I went for the teaching and participated in their lam-rim discussion.

When Lama Zopa Rinpoche came to Taiwan to teach Dharma in 1991, Ven. Rze-Tsan invited him over to Hu-San Buddhist Center for teachers, so I met Rinpoche there. I had a very special feeling – Rinpoche was just like a living buddha up there. That day I asked Rinpoche a question: “May a lay person become a buddha? Rinpoche answered, “Yes. Nevertheless, if the person can be ordained, they would go a lot faster, so why not be ordained?”

At the beginning of 1992, Kopan’s Geshe Lama Konchog was invited to teach Dharma in Taiwan by Rinpoche. Geshe-la is one of my root gurus. From the bottom of my heart, I appreciate very much the teachings given by Geshe-la. His teachings, due to past life karma, struck a deep resonance in my mind! I think the reason why I’m still devoting to Rinpoche now is due to Geshe Lama Konchog. Another impressionable Dharma experience I had was in 1993 when I went to Dharamsala to listen to His Holiness the Dalai Lama and the principal Lobsang of the debating school’s teaching.

When I attended the lam-rim discussion Ven. Rze-Tsan used to encourage us young disciples to become monks and nuns. On top of that, I met Rinpoche, and my understanding of Dharma increased gradually. At one point I checked with Rinpoche if I could become a nun. Rinpoche said it came out very good in his observations, but I should do a tsa-tsa preliminary practice after becoming a nun to clear some obstacles.

At the beginning of 1992, I tried to bring up the wish of becoming a nun to my father. My father was very sad about this idea, and my mother told me that Father had been in tears for a week. I determined I must wait until Father permits. Heruka Center in Kaohsiung was established in October 1994, and Rinpoche wanted me to lead their lam-rim meditations, Medicine Buddha practice and Vajrasattva practice.

I was working in Taiwan Medical College at that time, so I had to fly down to Kaohsiung right after work on Saturday and return to Taipei on Sunday afternoon. During that period a very strong wish to become a nun generated in my mind again, and I thought when Rinpoche comes to Taiwan next year, I’ll request him to ordain me as well as the others who would like to be ordained.

Fortunately, on the Chinese New Year’s Eve of 1995, my father announced that he was setting me free.

I went to Taipei the following morning to attend a lam-rim retreat led by Rinpoche. On the way to the station, Father told me, “May you achieve enlightenment as soon as possible.” I also pray the same way for Father. During the retreat, I requested again that Rinpoche grant us ordination in Taiwan. Very fortunately, we were ordained by Rinpoche on March 28 and became the first disciples ordained by Rinpoche in Taiwan.

We bought the center of Jinsiu Farlin in Taipei in 1995. After being ordained, we lived in the center – nuns live on the second floor. After Rinpoche departed, Geshe Donyo was invited to Taiwan. I was Geshe-la’s attendant then, accompanying Geshe-la as he visited the Taipei, Taichung and Kaohsiung centers.

I went to Puli to attend a full ordination ceremony including getsulma vows, bodhisattva vows and gelongma vows. After becoming a fully ordained nun, I decided I would like to learn vinaya, monastic discipline. I had heard about a summer rains retreat at the Nan Lin Nunnery, and even though this nunnery is known for being extremely strict, I insisted on going. Even though they were fully booked, in the end they kindly admitted me.

I was so happy to do my summer retreat there and got the chance to learn about vinaya and why Buddha set up all of these vows. When I first listened to teachings on vinaya, I was so happy and sad.

I felt sad due to the ignorance I had that created so much negative karma before I learned about vinaya. What I was happy about is that I know how to live life according to vinaya from now on. The thought of staying there two or three more years to study vinaya occurred in my mind.

When the retreat finished, there were two contradictory thoughts in my mind: I wanted to go back to the center, but I was afraid of going back, too. The reason why I’d like to go back is because Tibetan Buddhism is more effective for me – I’m unwilling to give it up. The reason I was afraid to go back is because I felt worried about not being able to keep my vows purely. Finally, I decided to go back to the center.

I don’t think it’s right or wrong that I went back. I already knew that some of the vows would be difficult to keep purely after going back. I still want to continue to practice Tibetan Buddhism. I had to adjust myself and get used to the circumstances. I used to be very strict with myself when I first went back, but I’m more relaxed now. I’m so embarrassed that the vows have degenerated and pray to receive all of the necessary conditions as soon as possible to keep all of the vows pure.

Right now I work at Jinsiu Farlin in Taipei. We need to take turns working on our duty within our Sangha community and change every two months. I was disciplinarian before I came to the United States. Also, I was a treasurer and fundraiser after Maitreya Office was set up in Taiwan. Finally, when Rinpoche gave instructions to set up Nagarjuna Publications in Taiwan last year, I was appointed as one of the shareholders.